Lifee in Technicolour

There is more

2011-06-15T14:27:00.001-07:00

Sarah is 24 years old. She came to the streets of Toronto when she was 15. At that time, Sarah had escaped her tormenting "family" from her Native Reserve in Ottawa. She only knew of her dad through the other community members, and by the sounds of him, he didn't seem like anything special to her. Sarahs mom raised her with various fathers coming in and out of her life. Some were okay, but others had really affected Sarah emotionally, probabaly memories that would remain with her and shape who she is for the rest of her life. She shared with me one memory of her mothers boyfriend at the time when she was 10- she was raped at night by him and his two friends. A terrifying memory for anyone, let alone a young 10 year old girl. Sarah learned at a very young age that she was raising herself, considering her mother was drunk and high every night of the week. Unfortunately her mother also lived a life of abuse, and although she had the utmost desire to raise her children healthy and lovingly, her addictions, abuse and relationships came in the way of her love for her children.

Sarah's older brother moved to the big bad city of Toronto when he was 16, so when she turned 15, she had decided to follow his path leaving behind her torment, abuse, frustrations, confusions, regrets, spirituality, pain, suffering, discontent, and a life of nothingness.

She hitchhiked across the province, truck after truck with men who took advantage of a 15 year old girl, and others who kept her safe. She made it, but unfortunately the story does't get much better. . .

Where is God in Sarah's life? How did Sarah get the short end of the stick being raised not knowing love, and only knowing abuse?

Isaiah 41: 'Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.'

Where are you God?

When Sarah reaches Toronto, she meats a boy her age. He is one of the first few boys who seems to treat her incredibly graciously, loving, caring, and wonderfully. They live in a shelter in seperate rooms, differed by their sexes. They want to be together, so they start sleeping outside. Sarah tries to call her mom, but she has disowned Sarah for leaving.

Sarah is hurt because she truly loves her mom and wants her to know that, but she continues to live with her new boyfriend. She finds out shes pregnant and has her child 9 months later. HEr and her boyfriend start bickering, and before you know it he starts hitting her and treating her the way shes always been treated by any man in her life.

If only Sarah knew and loved the one who would have unconditional love for her. The one who was with her every time she was beaten. The one who cries every time she feels hurt. The one who cried before she was hurt.

Sarah loses her child to C.A.S. because of the fresh bruises all over her body. Her yearning for drugs was something she wanted to stay away from, but her first shot at loving another person the way she had imagined loving a child was taken from her. Shes depressed, cutting herself, using drugs, getting into fights with all of her "Friends" and sleeping on the streets. She has no mom. She has no one.

Sarah grows up meeting more and more people on the streets. She moves from city to city,Toronto is her home she has found a group of people who are the closest thing to family she has ever known. She tries to stop using drugs, but she feels the memories have forced her to continue using because she doesnt want to remember.

In her new group of friends, she has many romances. Some are related to one another, some treat her better than others, but overall shes treated like shit. She is a beautiful wonderful, loving and caring woman who deserves to be treated the same. Unfortunately those in her gorup of friends have been raised as she had not knowing love, and confused their entire lives- so they treat as they know.

She has a desire to be immensly loved. She will do anything to feel loved by another man. Anything. She will be neglected. She will be second, or third, or 11th or 12th in line of neccessity to another. She will stay with someone who will choose drugs or alcohol over her. She is in a relationship because she wants not to be alone.

But when she is alone, she works the streets to earn money and sells her body. She thinks she feels beautiful when shes working, but deep down knows shes more than this.

You are more than this Sarah.

You are more than a woman who has been badly abused.

You are more than a woman who needs to feel loved by another person

You are more than a woman who chooses sex for drugs and money

You are more than sex

You are more than drugs

You are more than a corrupted little girl

You are a girl who wants her mom

You are a woman who deserves to be loved by someone special

You are a woman who deserves to be treated fairly

You are a woman who can achieve the impossible

You are more than a drug addicts desire

You are more than the streets

You are beautiful

You are kind

You are so joyful to be around

There is more.

He is more.

All of the Sarahs that I know:

“Come unto me, all you that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and you shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” – Matthew 11:28-30

“The LORD also will be a refuge for the oppressed, a refuge in times of trouble. And they that know your name will put their trust in you: for you, LORD, have not forsaken them that seek you.” – Psalms 9:9-10

How precious is Your steadfast love, O God! The children of men take refuge and put their trust under the shadow of Your wings.
Psalm 36: 7

Frankly- I am okay

2011-03-08T14:36:00.000-08:00

3 months have gone by since my last blog post. And 3 months of life lived out, time I can't go back to, time I can't change, only time that I can learn from and enjoy the memories from.

I still can't believe it's March 8th! It feels like I just had Christmas. I am 2 months away from graduating my school program.. And I'm placed in the boat that so many of us have sailed, what to do next?

I have this desire to succeed. I grew up in a mainly white, and mainly rich town called Oakville, where the normal life includes 2 parents, one working, and possibly one stay at home mom. 2 cars are normal, a third for their kid as a thought. These cars are always brand new.. After the 2nd or 3rd repair needed on them, the need for a new one is essential... Besides, these new cars shut the doors themselves, and the commercials say they're friendlier to the environment.

Oakville families have on average 2 kids, parents push success on them aswell. We grow up with little struggle financially, when I want something, I get it. Sharing is only done within the family, and even still, what is mine is mine, I'll share with you so that further down the road you will share with me.

The mall is our favourite place to go. We need to label ourselves with what we buy and who we hangout with. Those who don't care about their clothes, and accessories are out of touch with reality. We laughed at them because they were different.
Conflict in relationships happened because of mainly greed... Greed in money and in success. If I was the popular one, I got to control who else was cool- and that would depend on what they could do for me.

I grew up in something that felt so real- but was not what was meant to happen to humanity. My worth in Jesus doesn't depend on any type of material.

My worth is far greater than any worth to what we know in this world, to Jesus. He gives us what we are needy for, and what we selfishly want. We want to be loved, and we are. We want to be cared for. We are. We want to be thought about, looked after, taught, receiving.. We want want want... And we get, far more than we could ever imagine.

I have been blessed to be amongst such beautiful lives from meeting them at Sanctuary. These are people who don't live with material, because they can't. Their lives are lived so differently, with a different desire and a different lifestyle- where the relationships in their lives mean the world to them. Friendship, laughter, love and kindness is essential and makes sense. It is a much more real community, one where I feel authenticity and love as a core. Theres so much pain and sorrow in the hearts of these friends- but shows so much more beauty when they can still share their love for others.

I am full of joy to know these friends. And thank God daily for leading me into those doors. I want the world to know my family, and I want them to find their true worth in Gods eyes, and believe it. I want lives changed- community, relationships, and everything in between to be our desires- Which is all done through serving the Lord with all our hearts and minds.

So for now, I will appreciate what I have- and dilute my need to succeed financially.. Rather trust the Lord to lead me more into his beauty, know him closer and worship him joyfully with a wonder in thinking whats next?

Clothe yourselves with the Lord Jesus Christ

2010-11-30T09:29:00.000-08:00

I think I had one of those... intimate God moments.
If I look at my previous blog, and thoughts, and reminisce about last week, when I read from Romans 10-the end, I was awestruck by the verses reading upon sin. We have a wall in our house, and we put brown "banner" paper all around the wall so we could write quotes and scripture and thoughts on it that would help encourage us during our individual times of LIFE.

I wrote from these chapters in Romans, because I was so moved by them:
"But you are not controlled by your sinful nature, you are controlled by the spirit if you have the spirit of God living in you."
"Rather, clothe yourselves with the Lord Jesus Christ, and do not think about how to gratify the desires of the flesh."

I liked the idea of clothing myself with Jesus- and feeling confident that I am controlled by the holy spirit, who lives within me.

SO at church on Sunday, Greg Paul took a break from Exodus, and read right from chapter 13 of Romans. Initially starting with Paul's speaking on the Government to the ROmans. Something I was pretty confused about while reading- and went on to explain what loving the "others" is like. I guess back when he was telling people to love the government authorities and to respect them, he was teaching them this lesson that all of us as christians seem to continue to struggle with "Loving one another."
He spoke of it in another translation- and it read to love the "other." The other, the outcast, or the one you do not understand. The one who is not like you- and we need to love those. He went on to explain that our debt to God is to love one another.
To follow the chapter- It talks about how our salvation is near- and to awaken from our sleep. Live our lives out fully to God. Be full of joy, and keep God as our centre to steer away from our sinful desires.
All of this was an incredible encouragement and has helped me find that joy and to focus on it.

Whatever it looks like to attempt clothing myself in Jesus, I will work on.

I'll stand, with arms high and heart abandoned

2010-11-25T11:04:00.000-08:00

I am slowly coming out of a weird phase I have been in these past 2 months. And it is feeling good. This is thanks to openness and conversations, and being real and true to myself and others around me.

Many of my previous posts are legit and I still question a lot, and I still sin, and I am going to continue to struggle- but I've experienced great joy in this struggle by the power of encouragement in community. I am so thankful for friends who are willing to be open, and allow me to be open and carry our struggles together rather than independently and negatively.

I have been thinking about my relationship with God, and God himself (As I often do) and I realize my warped and twisted love for suffering. God has been so close with me through times of struggle, and in prayer I have felt God's presence in my life. Its this undeserved grace that I have physically felt within my life- and its so encouraging to know God is so close with me even when I feel as though I may break apart any second. I know God will hold me together.

I wonder if I develop my own situations and create distress and make myself feel like I need this struggle to continue to be this close with God. You know, this summer was probably my best summers of growing in my faith and I learned soooo much- but I did it with struggle- did I develop that struggle? Or did I take what could have been a tiny "grain" of negativity and snowballed it into a problem that was just as big as the positive outcomes of the summer?

I love struggle. I love relying on God to help me feel dependant on him, and strive for that feeling of surrender and renewal.

Just last night I was reading in Romans and found chapter 6- Sin's power is broken. It repeats not to continue sinning even with God's eternal grace, but because we have died to sin, can we continue to live in it?

1 What shall we say, then? Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase? 2 By no means! We are those who have died to sin; how can we live in it any longer? 3 Or don’t you know that all of us who were baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death? 4 We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life. . .Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its evil desires. 13 Do not offer any part of yourself to sin as an instrument of
wickedness, but rather offer yourselves to God as those who have been brought
from death to life; and offer every part of yourself to him as an instrument of
righteousness. 14 For sin shall no longer be your master, because you are not
under the law, but under grace. ...Just as you used to offer yourselves as slaves to impurity and to ever-increasing wickedness, so now offer yourselves as slaves to righteousness leading to holiness. 20 When you were slaves to sin, you were free from the control of righteousness. 21 What benefit did you reap at that time from the things you are now ashamed of? Those things result in death! 22 But now that you have been set free from sin and have become slaves of God, the benefit you reap leads to holiness, and the result is eternal life. 23 For the wages of sin is death, but
the gift of God is eternal life in[b] Christ Jesus our Lord.

I know all the sin in my life is going to be hard to escape from- but I will take this blog and these thoughts as a time to be empowered by overcoming my obstacles and with God at my centre- continue to "struggle" with living my life devoted to him. With a tiny grain or massive snowball of struggle behind me rather than in the way of my eyes fixed on God.

Maybe

2010-11-21T18:05:00.001-08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MXoJwZ_vQGQ&feature=related

I love the piano!

Mark 12:30

2010-11-16T08:50:00.000-08:00

I need Strength, courage, and determination to live my life devoted to God.

I am thankful for God's love for me, and everything God has to offer.

But my life is full of temptation and sinful desires.. And it's hard to be focused on God with my full heart and my full mind.

Follow me down to the River

2010-11-15T06:10:00.000-08:00

Last night at church (Sanctuary) I faced a challenge.

It is my instinct to invite any of my street friends to any open invitation event in my life.. For example, if we have people over for dinner, I will invite a friend or two from the street as well. Again, it is always friends from the streets that I know well. Another example, is inviting them into church- which I would think any Christian would agree that to be the right thing to do.

I am wondering if this isn't always the right thing to do.

2 nights ago at Sanctuary was an arts extravaganza event. People play their instruments, we put art up on the wall, people read poems, and share stories. All of this is made and done by Sanctuary members. (It's AWESOME) So- that day, I was hanging out with a group of them at noon (after school). The more I hangout with these guys, the more accepting they are of me- and trusting. So throughout the day, I saw them intake 3 bottles of Sherry (cheapest wine in the LCBO- if people don't have enough for a bottle of this, their next step is Listerine... And after that, rubbing alcohol) and a stolen mickey of Rum. They were pretty drunk by the time Arts night began.

As I was sitting on the bench outside, Chris turned to me and told me to leave. I was hurt, but in an understanding that he didnt want me to see him the way he was. What I didn't realize, is that Chris was in the middle of a blackout. (Having no recollection as to what is happening, having the alcohol totally take control of you, influencing your words and actions- waking up and not having a clue the next day what happened). James, sitting on the left side of me noticed I was hurt- and as I walked away he followed and comforted me, securing me to know that Chris hadn't meant what he was saying. A few minutes later, Chris had forgotten what he had said to me, and reassured me he was still coming in to Arts night, and James had decided to come in too.

This is probably a time when someone who knew a little more, maybe from past experiences, would have MAybe handled the situation differently. Are the drunk boys let in, or asked to stay out? I don't think I have experienced a staff member not let someone in for being drunk, unless they were barred from a previous episode- but I havent seen them reject someone for being drunk.. Again, thats not to say it hasn't happened.

So after some great dancing with the boys to the bands playing, and awesome drawing on our tables- we sat during a testimony of someones life and how they got to where they are today. Involved in her story involved sexual and verbal abuse, along with a story of hurt, failure, happieness and joy. She hit many peoples hearts, including the boys sitting beside mine. The only difference was these guys were unable to hold in their feelings the same way any one else there could. In their drunken state, came anger and pain. James, bawling his eyes out with the angriest look on his face, kept muttering comments. Chris, pain in his face, kept telling james to Shut up. While sitting there, trying to calm them both down, I started praying something wouldnt happen. I turned my head, and after bickering between the two boys, they got up and Chris threw a punch at James. In the middle of this testimony, with a room full of at least 60 people.

A punch at someone during an event, drop in, or church service at Sacntuary is enough to give you a 30 day bar.

If I had used my judgement better, should I have gone to Greg earlier to notify him about Chris's state, and James' state- could we have prevented a barring, an interruption, and a scene if I had used my judgement better?

Last night at Church, James was on the bench again. And during the break at church, I went to sit beside him. He said he wanted to come in to church and to listen. I asked him is he was "okay" enough to come in- (previously, he had asked me to not let him in when hes really drunk) he was really drunk, but he looked at me straight in the eyes and said yes with a look of trust.
SO letting him in, he found a seat which was further from mine. When Greg got up to preach, in the first break of silence, James got up and started yelling words, Greg- as graciously and humbling as he is just said "Whats up JAmes?" And JAmes pulled out the change from his pocket and sternly said here is money giving back to you for all you do for us bums!
And sat down.

I quickly went to the seat next to him and we listened to the sermon together.. Or at least tried to. James kept asking a thousand questions, like "do you really believe all this stuff? Wow this is fucked up. This is weird! So fucked up.. Im trying to understand it all but I don't..I do believe in God, not Moses!" (we were going through the book of exodus)
All of these questions would be great to talk with James about, but just wasn't the right place or time to dig into conversation- giving Greg disrespect. Every so often James tried to pull out his alcohol from his bag, and I would gently touch his shoulder and he would stop. During our prayer time, it seemed like he wanted to pray. And when we ended, he said "What? Its done? I wanted to ask All of you guys if you've ever been fucked in the ass by your priest?!" Fortunately the room was all up in conversation with one another, and James had directed this question to Greg and I. Thankfully Greg was there and was able to say "James, your not there right now. It's okay" and James immediately calmed down.

Later I realized James was drinking rub out of the water bottle.

James just came back from a 30 day bar- and was happy to be allowed to come to drop in and church again. I know nothing negative came out of this church service with James being there, but if he did burst out in anger and become violent, I would feel at blame for letting him come in knowing his state. He would evidently receive another Barring which could be a 2 month bar instead.

James 1:5 (NIV) If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives
generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given unto him.

Luke 11:9 (NIV) "So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and
you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you."

Its so hard to discern what to do with some of these friends of mine. We say that we are all the same and should be treated equally- and yes I do agree we should be treated all with equal dignity, but I think the action of doing so is different for a street involved person than a "structured" person. There are soooooo many differences in our world and in "their" world. (I'm using these terms to easily identify the two groups)- The list would go on to label our differences.
My purpose in this post is jsut sharing my experiences and learning from them.. I guess trying to figure stuff out.

I need better discernment in knowing the "right thing to do" in situations which I could avoid negative outcomes. Do I let our friend Chris sleep over every night? Do we let anyone sleep over when they are in a poor state of being? Should I continue to hang out with my friends while they are drinking/ getting drunk and doing drugs in front of me? Am I being a positive influence? What is the healthy positive glorifying action?

Psalm 91

2010-11-14T10:01:00.000-08:00

Psalm 91

11 For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you
in all your ways; 12 they will lift you up in their hands, so that
you will not strike your foot against a stone. 13 You will tread on the
lion and the cobra; you will trample the great lion and the
serpent.

The Sanctuary has angels watching over us.
Thanks for the prayer!

Instead, let there be a flood of justice

2010-11-02T22:12:00.000-07:00

I have had this song stuck in my head for the past week.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JrY1-gPM0KY

It's a different type of song for J.foreman to be singing- I mean, it does come off as a little judgemental to those who are essentially calling themselves christians but are not living the lifestyle.
But more so I think the song is directed at those who are "self righteous" and are putting on this Christian show- which is so freaking realistic. I think we have all put on a show at one point in our lives, or are continuing to live in this show whether we mean to or not- but we can be "ALL SHOW."

I wrote in my last blog or so, about how I enjoyed telling people about Sanctuary- one of those prideful things that I feel so silly about. And now, it is sometimes even hard for me to mention to people about the place.

The other day, I ahd a great few hours spent with my parents by a cozy fire- and by the end of the conversation my mom expressed being proud of me for what I am doing, and tried to point out I have done "more than she has ever done" I guess in the terms of "helping out."

It is hard for me to hear that and be congratulated- because I really do not do much. I have engaged in this community and have become true friends with many of them, who jsut so happen to carry a lot of weight on their shoulders from over their years. A lot of these people are socially isolated and looked down upon on society, and because of that- it is considered that I am doing a lot. The truth is, again I do not do much.

I am living in community with these friends of mine, and I gain jsut as much, if not more than I give into it. I think Jesus wanted us to serve like this- within community- this counteracts oppression, and gains love for one another. I think that if I was in the mindframe of being "help" for someone, communtiy wouldnt get far. In fact, I would be living what I am against, the social differences in society- if I am the helper, I am above you and have more power than you. I am higher on the social meter, but if I level out with you, and admit that I am no more perfect than you, but am willing to share my resources and am willing to work on a relationship jsut as much as you are, then we are of equal worth.

This is something that I am trying to practice anyway, because it can still be so easy to even accidentally rank myself higher- even with just having a house and an extra couch for someone to sleep on. Yes, I am always willing to have my friends over when they need/want to come- but if that is all that comes out of having people over just for a night to sleep, then that is all we will remain. But if coming over means cooking together and cleaning up together, and being within community, then sleeping on our couch is jsut one of those shared resources that hoepfully doesn't put more power on us.

Who knew "christian service/volunteer work" (whatever you wanna call it) was a lifestyle change, not just a day in the week/month for you to help?

In another note- a good friend of mine had been missing for the past month after MArcels death- he tried committing suicide twice when his best friend passed away- went to a mental health hospital and then disappeared. After much prayer, tonight on my way home, I walked in the alley and found him sitting there. As if he hadn't left. We sat and talked for 2 hours. Thank GOD he is alive and well. IT was a great night.

John 13

Jesus Washes His Disciples’ Feet

1 It was just before the Passover Festival. Jesus knew that the hour had come for him to leave this world and go to the Father. Having loved his own who were in the world, he loved them to the end. 2 The evening meal was in progress, and the devil had already prompted Judas, the son of Simon Iscariot, to betray Jesus. 3 Jesus knew that the Father had put all things under his power, and that he had come from God and was returning to God; 4 so he got up from the meal, took off his outer clothing, and wrapped a towel around his waist. 5 After that, he poured water into a basin and began to wash his disciples’ feet, drying them with the towel that was wrapped around him. 6 He came to Simon Peter, who said to him, “Lord, are you going to wash my feet?” 7 Jesus replied, “You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand.” 8 “No,” said Peter, “you shall never wash my feet.” Jesus answered, “Unless I wash you, you have no part with me.” 9 “Then, Lord,” Simon Peter replied, “not just my feet but my hands and my head as well!” 10 Jesus answered, “Those who have had a bath need only to wash their feet; their whole body is clean. And you are clean, though not every one of you.” 11 For he knew who was going to betray him, and that was why he said not every one was clean. 12 When he had finished washing their feet, he put on his clothes and returned to his place. “Do you understand what I have done for you?” he asked them. 13 “You call me ‘Teacher’ and ‘Lord,’ and rightly so, for that is what I am. 14 Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another’s feet. 15 I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you. 16 Very truly I tell you, no servant is greater than his master, nor is a messenger greater than the one who sent him. 17 Now that you know these things, you will be blessed if you do them.
Instead let there be a flood of justice
An endless procession of righteous living, living
Instead let there be a flood of justice
Instead of a show

Heaven knows, I try to find the cure for the pain

2010-10-26T21:31:00.000-07:00

You know, I have been battling with this constant thought of Why horrible things happen to some people and not to others. I hope that this journey we call life, further down the road I will be able to come to a better understanding of this thought, other than the realization that this world is fucked.
Are we just supposed to belive that some people ge tthe short end of the stick?

Today, after my day ended, I popped by the good ole intersection of Charles and Yonge, (Sanctuary premisis) and ofcourse I bump into a few different people. Angel- going through some tough times, stared into my eyes and told me that she knows God is with her, and loves her for everything great about her and still loves her for everything she isn't. It was encouraging to hear that.

Shortly after, I bumped into Cindy who was high and drunk. Not in the best state either, she sat me down and spoke about the situation she was in tonight. Sparing the details, Cindy asked me why? This has almost always just been a question I have thought to myself... Scared to death of the question itself, she went on.

"You are a part of this church right? Sanctuary? Tell me about it. Now answer me why these thigns happen to me? I want some answers. Just tell me why"

I don't know why. I don't have answers.

I know I care about Cindy. But what does this look like to someone who lost their place, who lives poorly with little to no money and little to few close healthy relationships.

When I first started hanging out at Sanctuary, my mentality was different. I read my bible, and I came to my own udnerstanding that I am supposed to be amongst the poor and oppressed. I went to do "God's work" and I felt good. I rewarded myself, and enjoyed telling people in my life about what I do. These "homeless people and crack addicts" that I came to get to know started becoming more than those labels. It is funny that I was getting to know and love homeless people and prostitutes etc, and hated their labels and stereotypes and their difference in society, but inside I still saw them as their labels. They were my homeless friends, not just my friends. They were still labeled. It is very clear and has been this past year that these friends of mine are so much more than that. But I need answers as to what is a healthy way to help be a caring loving friend to my friends.

I go on outreach 3 nights a week, and my mentality is totally warped now. I almost hate targeting myself as being a part of an organization ..Light Patrol or Sanctuary. Not that these places arent great, beleive me they are full of a lot of good.. Homeless, addict, prostitute, the rich, the prideful, gay- we are all people. We are all people, we should all be at the same level of importance. I am an outreach worker, I dont want people to think I think that I am "better" than others because I want to help THEM. I want to help the EVident Needy people. Most outreach workers get that target, and yes I do want to help, but more than that, I want to care. I want to love on people, and I guess all fo us essentially need to be loved- but it's these people who I question why them? that really touch my heart.

I don't even know where I am at tonight- I think I need to pick up my bible though.

"Rules are like women, made to be violated."

2010-10-24T23:32:00.000-07:00

SO I have two trains of thought going on right now, so this blog is going to be pretty ridiculous, but bare with me.
I guess we'll start with my shift tonight- Safelight. This is a program that stems from Youth Unlimited's stem Light Patrol, which is where I am doing my placement right now. Safelight is an outreach project that serves the Sex trade industry. They do so in two techniques, 1) Driving downtown to the evident streets of high and low track prostitution taking place, and 2) Visiting massage shops around Toronto. Woah, should I back this up a bit because it is totally new information to you too? Or am I the only one in the world who knew nothing about this industry?

Well to educate those who were uninformed as me- I'll explain a bit of what I know.

So prostitution occurs in various different kinds of way, but in the end completes the same job. If we are talking about street prostitution (the most known form, but only 2-4% of women a part of the sex trade industry actually partake in... THATS RIGHT, only 2-4% of women in the sex trade industry are those girls out on the street.... And there are a lot of them- can you think of the total number of girls in Toronto alone who are part of this?) There is a known "high track and low track" area. In downtown T-dot, high track girls are working for their pimps. There could be 3-10 different pimps who "own" a spot on the block of church and carlton, and they have girls who work for them and bring in money. High track girls are found by pimps, and they can only be on that block if they have a pimp, otherwise they could face major violence. High track girls look different, they are WAY more dolled up, wearing extreme make up, incredibly high heels... Like 10 inches high, and are good looking girls. They don't generally have addictions to drugs, and if they do it is controlled. The pimps are always a part of gangs.
Low track girls are those who work for themselves and possibly for a lower class pimp, they usually have addictions and are working so they can afford drugs. They work in lower income streets, shuter and river are the main streets they locate themselves. They are far less expensive than the High track girls.

How is this still legal? Well, prosititution is good for the economy. When girls are making hundreds of dollars from people in the province, this money will be used in restaurants, shopping malls, and various kinds of luxuries that help buisnessess.. Whats crazier is the amount of advertising done over the internet. There are these things called escourt agencies that are literally girls and their bodies advertised and sold via creditcard for buisnessmen travelling from out of province into ours for a buisness trip. This helps our economy as well, because its out of province money coming in and helping buisness.

So now we're getting into different forms of prostitution and the working of it. So, now we have a great website called craigslist, probabaly the highest form of advertisement online for prostitution. You can work for yourself, stay indoors, pay no fees and make lots of money after posting an add for yourself. This is the most frequent way fo working for young girls, and older girls int his industry. And THEN- we have massage parlours. And I'm not talking about the ones you go to and get a normal massage- I am talking about sex massage parlours. Also, completely legal. These are found at the back of your newspapers- yep even in the Toronto sun (less vulgar but still there)... Massage parlours welcome you to come and enjoy a date for incredibly cheap prices, usually with asian girls.

Crazy eh? Especially to think that about 20,000 girls in the GTA alone are part of this industry.

So what do we do? We try and have conversations with these girls. We give them their dignity, and we try and show them christ's love.

mmm it's 3 am and I want to get into my next topic so here's my transition.

Transition.

Being a christ follower- I define it as reading Jesus' stories, understanding his love and grace and forgiveness towards me, along with his compassion- his death for me, and his heart for relationships and I strive for this. I love God and I love Jesus, and I want to follow his teachings and be a great example. What I have come to realize is that I am not- I am nothing near to being perfect- I make INCREDIBLY large mistakes and I hide them. The God I came to know and love was one who was forgiving and loving and gracious- and I fell in love with that God.

I have jsut been feeling like there are soooo many christians who think they need to be this perfect model of a christ follower to others, yet deal with struggles and make mistakes- and also keep them hidden because "We're christians and shouldnt be doing that." And then what happens if your in leadership? Any type of leadership- Church minsitry, camp minsitry, street ministry, any of it- you struggle with that same shit as the people you are ministering to... Why does pride take control of these leaders and keep you from being humble?

And then waht about those who vocalize their righteousness and perfection, and judge those who are Christians making evident mistakes, condeming them. I get that we are supposed to "call out" our brothers and sisters within the church when we are aware of their actions. But these "call outs" should be done in no other way than love for our friends int hese awful circumstances of sin. We should want to love them and help them through it, and while in these situations should they not be strong enough to be in leaderhsip, then so be it- but to judgingly convict someone of a mistake is not the way Jesus or God intended it to be.

I hate this idea of judgement to those who make mistakes because we ALL do. Obviously we should be trying not to- and we should be struggling with these in a healthy way through conversation with others who may be support. . . But it doesnt always get handled this way.

I have come to realize that living out a christian lifestyle doesn't just consist of only your relationship with God and yourself. We are a church, (our communtiy of christ followers alike) and in love we want the best for our brothers and sisters. And God LOVES us, like we coudlnt even imagine. He loves ALLLLLL of us- even those wrteched sinners, yea I am talking about myself. And despite my actions, as a Father, God wants us to talk to him, and love him, and hangout with him and spend time with him. I was listening to my pastor Greg Paul (author of God int he alley, and pastor of Sanctuary) talk to myself and 2 friends after drop in one night having a beer- and he said as a father, he sees his kids making decisions that he doesnt exactly agree on. He sees them make mistakes, and he watns better for them. But at the end of the night, he wants to hug them and love them, and for them to love him. He throws those life choices out and holds his children and loves them in his big arms.

I don't know about your God, but I feel this is what my God wants too. Something so simple made sooo complicated.

So then how do we continue leadership if we are all these wretched sinners- I don't know. Obviously there are those who have a gift of teaching- but I don't think many of us have a gift of perfection, so why do we judge so much.

I forgot how I wanted to end this- so I guess I'll just say that I have a friend who totally turned away from God because of the judgement he recieved or thought he would receive from the christians in his life. He wanted to live a life that would resemble conditions opposite of a "Christians" life- so he decided to stop believing. How fucked up right? Now God has lost one of his children because of his self righteous children's judgement.

I know I am far from perfect, and I wish I had answers. But I do not want to be in any type of leadership position at this time in my life feeling like I need to be perfect to do it. And I know that those in the leadership positions are not always in that mindframe of perfection, actualy most I have met are in the opposite of mindframe- but it still scares me to be watched and judged so easily. I don't want to float away from my God and the understanding that he will always love me. Thank you God, and I pray for the humility in my life to admit my failure to others, and to grow within them. I pray you continue to be present, and to help me avoid my temptations and overcome evil.

Luke 18:
9To some who were confident of their own righteousness and looked down on everybody else, Jesus told this parable: 10"Two men went up to the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. 11The Pharisee stood up and prayed about[a] himself: 'God, I thank you that I am not like other men—robbers, evildoers, adulterers—or even like this tax collector. 12I fast twice a week and give a tenth of all I get.'
13"But the tax collector stood at a distance. He would not even look up to heaven, but beat his breast and said, 'God, have mercy on me, a sinner.'
14"I tell you that this man, rather than the other, went home justified before God. For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted."

Wash me white as snow

2010-09-30T09:04:00.000-07:00

How hard is it to keep your high with God from the summer? It’s always been hard for me… Especially during this month, the month that is a breaking point of whether I am going to put time into my relationship with God and continue to be growing and learning.. Or have God as my back up- not necessarily my focus at all times.

I clearly want God to be my all.. I think many of us want God to be our all.. We become so close with our almighty creator during different times of our lives in our individual walks... I feel his presence at times- and I love it. I want that feeling all the time. I want to be close with God always, none of these waves of drifting and closeness.

It's funny that this happens too- especially when I work at a place light Youth unlimited.. Hang out at the Sanctuary, and live with Christian friends. I've understood that when I surround myself with "Christian things" I forget about my own personal commitment I need to engage in.. To continue growing, and following Jesus.

I have been thinking a lot lately about the story about JEsus and Peter.. When Jesus was walking on the water, and told Peter to come out and have faith in Jesus that he would not fall through the water. Peter falls through because his eyes are not fixed on Jesus, and Jesus helps him back out. "You of little faith," he said, "why did you doubt?"

So this is what I'm thinking. I thank God for his provision, for EVERYTHIng I have been blessed with. I am so incredibly thankful for countless things- the list could go on and on. I know I could not live without God's grace, and his love for me. I do not want to be unappreciative of all this- but then I go out on the street, and I meet a ton of people.. a TON of people who have lived such messed up lives. Born into a home where their fathers pray with them every night, take them to church, and then rape them every night as a child, or in a home with their single mom who has been sent to jail for threatening other peoples lives- raising your younger brother and sister, or living in an unstable family with parents who can not financially, or emotionally provide for their kids sot he kids decide to live on the streets.. You know there are a ton of different reasons these friends of mine have found their way on the streets... Unimaginable stories that will bring you to tears, to have ever thought our lives sucked.

Is God not providing for these people because they do not have full faith in him? Does God love us more if we have faith in him, therefor he will provide and bless our lives? Even if so, this doesnt make sense, because my eyes have not always been fixed on Jesus, even during these years of following him. I have had my ups and downs, and I know God has not always been my priority and my all- but even still I never sank.. I never found my way to the streets for not having full faith in God.
I want to put all my faith in God to provide for these youth and adults I'm meeting, but more so these youth who have missed out on so much in their lives because of the circumstances that have lead them to the streets at such a young age. I need nothing more than what I have, and even that is too much.

I hope God's plan for each of us is found by these youth and adults who need God in their lives. I hope they can come to a point to believe- although with what I hear, the lives these people have lived... I often doubt if I would have come to find God through it all.

Have mercy on me, oh God
According to Your unfailing love
According to Your great compassion
Blot out my transgressions

Create in me a clean heart, oh God
Restore in me the joy of Your salvation

The sacrifices of our God
are a broken and a contrite heart
Against You and You alone
have I sinned

Would You create in me a clean heart, oh God
Restore in me the joy of my salvation

Wash me white as snow

And I will be made whole
Wash me white as snow
And I will be made whole
Wash me white as snow

Would You create in me a clean heart, oh God
Restore in me the joy of my salvation

Bent Hope- A kid and a coffe cup

2010-09-24T19:22:00.000-07:00

Thomas's body was covered in sludge. Long dark trails of brown, clumps of black, and a glaze of translucent yellow. His shirt and socks were rolled in sopping balls lying next to his curled sneakers. Everything soaked. Everything shriveled and dirty. Ripe with the stench of waste and toxins. High on a flat rock, facing the unfamiliar pool below- a boy, just a boy, who had lost everything.
The summer of 2005 went on record as the hottest in decades. Showers and breezes were elusive at best. Far away from the mid winter gasps of street sympathizers- "Oh, the cold, this cold, surely this deadly cold is the worst of all worsts!" That is the pebble in the shoe of every mind that stops to consider homelessness across Canada and int he northern United States. Around the beginning of February, people who ask me nothing about my homeless friends all year long will inevitably ask, "How do they survive? How do they bear it?" And no doubt, it takes the fortitude and will of a prize-winning bull to push through it.
But lost on most people, more often than not, is what it takes to survive the heat. Not just heat... But inner city heat. Heat that not only comes from above, but from below. The sandwich heat that traps a body between he sky;s ball of fire at full volume from above and the hellish pavement and concrete from below. Endless baking pavement. Endless simmering concrete. Endless heat that refuses to let up. Captured int he day and stored in the solar tar by night.
This was the oppressive heat that drove Thomas to the Don River. One of the few stretches anywhere near the city core that reveals more green than grey. A seam through the city where a dull wind can find its way north and south, to and from Lake Ontario. And just enough murky water that when one squints his or her eyes a bit of elsewhere-ness can be imagined.
Not clean water. Certainly not healthy water. But water all the same...
Still for Thomas, there was plenty of leafy shade there. Mature trees and a sense of oxygen, non-existent int he core of the city. A bit of resistance to the conquering sun. Thomas was there, in the shade of a shrub, counting change from a coffee cup, when the sky was finally squeezed. Not a gentle squeeze. Certainly not an anticipated one. It was A shocking bear hug from behind. What one television weather anchor called a "spontaneous late summer torrential macro burst." What simply felt like the inevitable result of a demolished dam hidden beyond the clouds. It didn't rain drops. Or even buckets. It came down in thick sheets of blinding, pounding rain. Apocalyptic rain, both unpredicted and unforgiving.
The same Don River runs in tandem to the Don Valley Parkway: the city;s only freeway running north and south. The rolling motorway dips deep near the river in several spots resulting in enormous flash flood zones during severe downpours. On this day, the rain simply had nowhere to go once it landed. In addition, the excess streamed into the natural basins from the ill-equipped sewer system. One of the great dim pools rose beneath the unofficial sky high border to "downtown": The Bloor Viaduct, known well for its history of suicide jumpers. Right where Thomas was.
The late night television news would ultimately show police on jet-skis and Wave runners, rescuing stranded drivers who had abandoned their submerged automobiles and shimmied onto concrete bulkheads. Homes some 20 kilometres north had basements under four, six and eight feet of water. All of it charged in, had its tantrum, and hiss fitted away without warning. Thomas, nestled in his remote pocket of wilderness, was caught off guard as much as any homeowner with satellite TV and access to weather forecasts by the minute. Heat, heat, heat... then with the city worn into submission, the clouds dropped a black curtain, flexed their muscles and said "gotcha!"
Somewhere between the mystery of it all and thanksgiving for cool relief, Thomas was besieged by the volume and incredible speed of the rising water. AS crisp grass and dry soil softened and bloated the sloping hills, things began to float. Then bob, then swirl, then escape. Literally within minutes the river swelled and surged over the banks. And Thomas-young Thomas-panicked his way through the gloomy undertow on a desperate retrieval mission.
When I arrived long after the flood, Thomas was rolled in a ball on a dry rock slate, weeping. He had been a severe victim of the storm. As is usually the case for the forgotten few- the forgotten too many- absent of both "home" and shelter.But his absence of everything caught me off guard. Every single thing. No backpack? No sleeping bag? So few items to maintain saved? Items so at hand. As rapid as it was, it was not as though he was struck by a tidal wave. How? How did the boy who had so little now have nothing?
I was eager to ask. But I was not sure how to do it without sounding condescending. So I just sat beside him. He wept and I just sat. For a long, long time. No words. Just the unnerving sense that there was far more to his tears than I knew.
"We can get stuff, new stuff, better stuff.. whatever you need." I babbled/ "Maybe this is a good time to try another route. Find you a place." I continued, committed to the exhausting philosophy that long-term success to guiding young, severely broken lives into healthy adulthood's best, and almost always, starts with trust. Then moves into action. No matter how long that takes. The "absolute" I have indoctrinated myself with, and committed to for better or worse.
But he heard none of it. He was not purposely ignoring me. Just crying so intensely the he literally could not hear me. So I waited while he sobbed, obvlivious to my presence or the passing of time. My fierce curiosity and eagerness to intervene begrudgingly gave way to the better judgement of allowing him his time. His grief. His desperation.
Sirens echoes in and out of earshot forever as we sat side by side in silence. The awkward sounds of others getting help, others mattering, others inconvenienced.
Finally a long shaky sigh.
"My sister. My, my..."
Then more tears. More time. And several more sirens clearing their throats int he distance- heard and not seen. Everyone else getting fixed up.
"My sister was 14 when she left. Now how will I remember her? How will I find her?"
Thomas carried her picture in his fanny pack. She was two years younger than Thomas, but escaped their abusive home a year earlier than he did.
While the waters gobbled up all of his belongings, Thomas sacrificed it all for a search and rescue mission through the mire. Desperate for the eight inch sack that housed the image of his sister.
His grief was shocking. His response was on par with that of a death, rather than the loss of a photograph. His heart broke open and his grieving words dribbled out.
" I was in the park. Waiting. Just Waiting! I should have been there! I should have been there!"
The critical history, in short, was this: while Thomas was waiting out his father's rabid drunkenness- waiting for it to submit to a state of unconsciousness- his sister hit the unavoidable wall that comes with the fatigue of chronic abuse. She left a picture on Thomas's bed as she snuck away. Ont he back of it she wrote:

I'll die here. One day come and find me. I love you.

"How will I remember her? How will I find her? How...how...how..." his weak body collapsed and he sprawled back, arched along the shiny rock face.

Who are the homeless?
Why are they like that?
Why don;t they just go home? OR go somewhere else?
They're pathetic.
They;re ruining the city.
Delinquents. Lazy. Troublemakers.
Hideous.

After all these years I have heard everything. Every question, every assertion, every concern, every query, every self righteous and self absorbed commentary. On the streets, in office building, at luncheons in church basements. But stuck int he moment, sitting beside soaking, stinking, exhausted, torn-apart, magnificent Thomas, all I wanted to do was hunt down every person I had ever heard spout out their uncompassionate ignorance and scream into their faces. Scream them away.
It happens often. And usually lasts until I bump into my own hypocrisy. When God allows it to drop-kick me off my feet. When I remember the guy on the crammed subway who bugged me by flopping around fast asleep in his seat. The girl at the convenience store I thought was kind of dopey because she was taking too long to count my change. The well-dressed kids bumming smokes outside the corner store that I shake my head at. Me, me indeed. Me not embracing the very song I sing whenever I am asked about those I know on the street:

Every person has their own story.

......
Only days later, Hurricane Katrina devastated the delta expanses while terrorizing the Northwest Gulf of Mexico and hypnotizing an entire continent. The worst natural disaster on record int he united States of America. Thomas and I watched it on CNN through an electronics store window, alarmed at the pictures and headlines. Unable to hear the reports, as hast at the images, we followed the headers at the top of the screen. Thomas was in tears. Not the same desperate tears of stabbing grief shed days earlier. Thoughtful, quiet tears.
Two days after Katrina's assault on the deep south, Thomas spotted me coming up from the subway tunnel.
He ran towards me excitedly, "Tim, TIm, I need your help!"
At last! These are the words cherished most by me. Symbols of trust and signs of hope.
I nodded and shrugged my shoulders, SURE!
My mind began to race. Which shelter? Which contact? Maybe Evergreen health centre first? ITs the best. Maybe covenant House next? A roof, a bed. I was readying my arsenal of help suggestions for baby step number one. But before I could say a thing, he lifted his hand towards me. In it was a weathered old coffee cup. A Tim Hortons coffee cup, the contemporary symbol of Canadian from farm gates to skyscrapers, coast to coast. IT was filled with change.
Dimes, pennies, nickels, quarters and the Canadian coins that make panhandling a tad more promising- one dollar loonies, and two dollar toonies. They rattled and slit side to side just below the brim as he shook his hand proudly. I looked at him curiously as he waved the cup front of me, gesturing for me to take it. He grinned wide, enjoying the suspense he held over me. His smile was toothy and bright, and his eyes were more alive than I had ever seen them.
Finally with his other hand, he reached into his back pocket and pulled out a crumpled piece of ribbed cardboard, about the size of a shoebox top. He held it beside the coffee cup, only inches from my face.
With poetic beauty, in big scratchy letters created by the feverish dedication of scribbling a ballpoint back and forth over and over again, it read:
"For Katrina's homeless, because it hurts to lose everything."

The help he wanted? For me to take him to the bank. Just to make sure they would let him in so he could give it to the teller. That was it.
So I did. I took him. There was a long line. We waited for our turn, taking small steps every few minutes, through the velvet rope maze. The people in front of us and behind us kept a ridiculous distance away. Thomas pretended not to notice.
Finally we were next. He placed the cup on the counter in front of the teller. She looked down at it and wrinkled up her nose. Then looked up at him. Bewildered, she cocked her head and glanced at me. I tugged the sign out of Thomas's back pocket and laid it on the counter beside the cup. The teller's eyes welled up, and she smiled gently. She lifted the cup carefully with both hands and nodded.
"Can you add it to whats been collected?" Thomas asked like a wide eyed little boy.
I will, yes I will" the teller promised softly.
We turned, we walked away.

-Tim Huff

"The awkward truth can be packed into a single crass statement: Either we are all beggars, hookers and junkies, or none of us are. There is no in-between.
At times- and for some, all the time- we all live with the cruel designations others have carelessly tattooed on us. Subjugated by what others think we are, and oppressed by what we feel stuck doing or being, while our hearts and minds long for release.
Every day I play the role of a beggar. I look to the charity of others, seemingly wanting something for nothing to feed my ego and the overwhelming need to belong. Every day I play the role of a hooker. I try to sell the words, ideas and actions I think might make me desirable to others, often against my own better judgement, in order to get the emotional validation I need to survive. And every day I play the roles of a junkie. I feed my addictions, supplying relentless cravings with products, entertainment, daydreams, and relationships that are bad for me. Thus, when rendered solely in vulgar human slang, I believe we are all beggars, hookers and junkies. And if raw humanity existed as the only gauge, I would know for certain that I am all of these.
But long before our biases and jaded opinions develop, long before we categorize people with labels and by issues, we all start in the same place, with the wide eyed innocence and acceptance of childhood."

To read more: Purchase Bent Hope, by Tim Huff.......incredible.

goodbye my friend

2010-09-16T22:03:00.000-07:00

Numb.
There was no physical feeling that I felt, but was drowned in an emotional and mental wavepool of memories, smells, sights, pain, and love.
When he said those words to me, I could feel nothing. I did not notice the tears falling down my eyes, something that was rare for me to do around people. I don't cry around people, especially those who I don;t know well, let alone my boss at a new workplace.
We were on the Light Patrol van, in kensington market. I was outside, having a conversation with a buisness man walking by. Before I heard the news, I was in my normal state of mind, having an unfortunate conversation with a business man who challenged us on why we did the work we do. He was not asking, he was stating that we were idiots... This is a worthy of a whole other blog post, so for the time being... I was about to walk back onto the van when John called to me from inside and asked if I had known Marcel? Nodding, I asked why? And a man who was eating on the van- while chewing on his food, acting as if it was the hottest gossip shouted out "he died today. If you see Aylish..."
I had no idea what to do. . . MY heart fell, my eyes swelled up and I walked away. Trying to keep it in, I walked on the other side of the RV and melted..
I ran from Kensington Market over to the Sanctuary, knowing that it was 15 minutes until the end of drop in there this Thursday night. I turned the corner and saw the bench MArcel sat on, the bench where we had so many great and bad times on. The bench that was clearly his. I saw his friends, all in sorrow. I hugged them, and made it to debrief. I cried. I couldn't help it.
Marcel was a tall native, who was proabably the most well known man on the street, whether it was the macdonalds workers (who didnt particularily like him) or other street members, he was well known.
Marcel was the first homeless person I befriended, and frist friend to die. He smelt like piss most of the time, if not, barf. He always had a water bottle filled with rubbing alcohol, and drank from it consistently. He always asked random people for cigarettes who walked by him, and msot of the time he got one because they were afraid of him.
He was such a gentle man, despite his act of toughness. When you saw Marcel smile or laugh, you would without a doubt experience joy from him. When he was angry, you felt pain. He told his story to many, and what a fucked up life did he live. He always wanted to be with people, you could never say no even if it meant being late for school... When he asked for you to buy him a big mac, he wasnt asking for the food, he was asking for the company. "If anybody was to ever touch you, you know what I would do, I would kill him with my own two hands... You know I would never let anything happen to you."
He was one fo the reasons leaving this summer was so hard for me. I knew that with his addictions and health, living wasnt going to be for much longer. I just did not want him to pass while I was away. My first time back at the Sanctuary this fall, MArcel was the first person I saw, on his bench. As I approached, he looked at me, and his face lit up like he saw an angel. His smile was enough for me to know and experience joy. We sat and we talked, and we laughed and we grew together, learning a little bit more about eachother.
This old man, he was a man of love. You were respected by every street person out there if they saw you sitting with him. I met most of the Sanctuary communtiy through Marcel- he will never be forgotten. I am glad I was able to say hello one last time.

Your love is Strong

2010-09-12T19:18:00.000-07:00

God is good.

Thing's are being placed in my life right now that I am so appreciative of. I came home from camp this summer, stressed out about life. Where I was going to live, not having enough money, where I was going to work as an intern, leaving old friends, etc.

Farewell
Yes it is sad to see some of my close friends leaving, and distance will not interfere in these friendships that are of major importance to me. I know with my heart that they are going to be having what could be the best year(s) of their lives.. If not, experience something new that will change their lives. I know that when they come home, life will remain as it did when they left.

Internship
I am currently working as an intern for Light Patrol.. . Look it up, www.lightpatrol.com I get to hang out with homeless youth. This experience is already challenging yet so fulfilling. I went on my first shift last Thursday. I made sandwiches, and loaded the RV up... I have experience doing outreach, because of my time at Sanctuary, but although we do the same thing with Light Patrol, there are still some major differences. For example, the team I went out with on Thursday were kind of hard to work with. Light Patrol is about engaging in conversations and developing relationships with these teens who are hurting... But the group of people I was working with had their minds elsewhere. Maybe it was an off night, but I am just so used to Sanctuary staff who are so humble and selfless, and want to give their all into the lives they're investing in.
Regardless of the staff, I met some teens/adults who were appreciative of a meal. I had a couple open up to me about their lives already, and all I want to do is be their support... But that isn't going to happen in a flick of a coin, it is going to take time.
The difference I see in the community members of Sanctuary and Light Patrol, is I feel more happiness around the youth. This is probably because life and time on the street probably hasn't gotten to them like it has to people who have spent decades on the streets. The youth enjoy their time with one another, and hang out in groups, opposed to adults who live individually or with a partner.
Maybe this sense of hope, happiness, and cheerfulness can be what it takes to help them get their lives back in order. Mind you, there is still a lot of crap that goes on in their lives, but the crap doesn't take over their lives... Well, this is a lot to say after my first shift and interaction with them. More will come.

Community House
I was determined to get out of my house this fall... Specifically because I could not live in Oakville, commute to Toronto, and live within many different communities again.
I lost the housemates this summer, and stressed out about where, and with who I was going to live.
Two great friends offered for me to live with them.
Whats so great about this offer, is the intentionality of why we're living together and what we want to accomplish.

Acts 4:
32All the believers were one in heart and mind. No one claimed that any of his possessions was his own, but they shared everything they had. 33With great power the apostles continued to testify to the resurrection of the Lord Jesus, and much grace was upon them all. 34There were no needy persons among them. For from time to time those who owned lands or houses sold them, brought the money from the sales 35and put it at the apostles' feet, and it was distributed to anyone as he had need.

We are going to try to accomplish this type of living. There will be struggles, and there will be GREAT joy. We want to live in a community we are going to engage ourselves within, and live life together.

Some of the ways we are trying to create this community (or develop) is by:
- Weekly/biweekly pot lucks for friends, neighbours and families will come and build relationships
- Weekly bible studies with out Christ-lover community
- Morning devotions with house members and anyone else interested
- Have a community to volunteer our time with
- open up our home to our friends to know we are a safe house and enjoy the company!

More will also come with this, especially when we get things up and running... But God is so cool... I ended up getting to be a part of something I have been dreaming about for years.

Money
I am not worried. There is peace among me to let God take control of this as well.. I will look for a job, and I will hopefully find one. But again, my fall decisions have all been with the help of God taking over my life and accomplishing what he wants. Hopefully affording to live in this community house is really what is supposed to be happening.. And if it's not, I am sure I will find that out.

The cure for Pain

2010-09-05T15:31:00.000-07:00

I spent this past weekend with my loving friend Amanda who lives in Peterborough. What a great city, such friendly people, independent shops (which were so cool), smaller but exciting! There is even a free zoo... PRetty great.
So we decided to check out a church, so she could have this Jesus loving community that is so inclusive and desires to love the oppressed- one we all thrive for and hope to find within the church (so uncommon unfortunately).
Anyways, after long searching online, we found one that might be up our alley and follow our beliefs. It's funny, I was talking to a couple people about community (something I loveeeee talking about) but in specific, I always kind of go back to the community I had when I was in Sr. High at the Underground (meeting house youth group). It's hard to explain this community, but it was the type where the people within it understood what Jesus wanted us to do, and we did it. We loved each other, loved others, always tried to be as inclusive as possible, volunteered in our neighbourhoods, struggled together with what we were doing wrong, looked out for one another, loved Jesus and always kept our eyes and hearts focused on him... I hope this doesn't sound like pride, I hope it isn't, I'm just soo thankful to have been a part of that community that forever changed my life!
When you experience this type of thing and lose it (over time people move away..) it's hard for anything to match it. I believe that this is the type of community we are supposed to be living within (Acts chapter 4 at the end talks about community, and how the disciples shared everything... EVERYTHING with one another, and there were no needy people among them) Although we didn't live with one another, we pretty much shared everything, if we had needy people among us (spiritual, mentally, or physically) we were there to help fill that void.
When we entered this church in peterb., it was sooo unwelcoming!!! Not one person had come over to me to begin a conversation, and it seemed pretty evident who was new in that building and who wasn't, there weren't many people... It's just unfortunate for people who are trying to find this sense of community- that we are supposed to be as a church (CHURCH: Any follower of Christ). I was also talking to some people about the idea of creating this community, and having people come (not necessarily in a church building) but like, holding a barbecue or meeting for a coffee.. And people who don;t know God or Jesus, or even if they have known him but have been turned away because what the church has done to them... The rejected, the lonely, anyone, just come and experience this community. That would be cool... Oakville is so rich, but full of messed up families, or lonely isolated people... I know that they aren't the first people we think of loving or outreaching to because our eyes are focused on the poor, which is great, but we cant forget the oppressed who may be our rich neighbours.
It would be cool to outreach to them.
Some other thoughts floating on in my head occurred when their pastor SPOKE to his church community about being welcoming to other people. I watched this pastor, his body language, his way of being.. and in that short time of being in his presence, I started wondering if his "humble" personality he was portraying was fake, and if he was really just full of pride. (I wasn't judging, let me go on)...
We had a couple of speakers come during LIT, and during session 2, we had this Asian guy who was so authentic and REAL... Real, he was open about his sins he struggled with. But, in his church, he hid this from his community. He struggled with pornography, and apparently took part in the action of viewing it.. quite often. He opened up to us about how much shame he carried around, but always put that in his pocket as he walked into church, put a smile on, and continued being the youth pastor EVERYONE looked up to. I get that when you have a reputation, it is the HARDEST thing to admit failure... Anyways, he continued with how the church looked up to him greatly. He loved it, he loved the attention and wanted to be the great Asian pastor that he was known for. Eventually he broke down and I forget if he ended up admitting to everyone about his sin, or if he just admitted failure without specifics... But he let go of that ego and that pride.
This pastor at church today, he spoke about community and inclusivity, and as inspiring as the message was.. I walked passed him about 3 or 4 times making eye contact, and yet no hello! (sure, gotta give him a second chance, for sure I will) But I just started thinking about leaders in my life, or the type of leader I want to be. . . I think this open and honest type of interaction with other human beings, is the way we should be in communication with others. I appreciate the leaders in my life for being raw, who have crazy unheard of struggles, ones I don't know how to fix, or even know how to relate to, but appreciate there honesty. It makes me see them as human beings... Equal to me, who struggle with things just as I do. We need to throw away our pride, and struggle with one another, learn from one another, and love each other- and through that have real humility.

Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord

2010-08-29T20:13:00.000-07:00

So the end of camp has finally come.. IT was a stellar spring/summer.. Actually it was the best one of my life. Yeaa, that amazing.
Thinking back to this past year, I had such a weird year of community and where my community was, along with a bunch of new experiences. I lost my tight group of friends,mmm maybe not lost, but we all kind of went our separate ways (because thats life) and couldnt hang out as often and struggle together or love each other in the same way as before.. So that was hard.
But I started school, got a job at the Sanctuary, met new friends there along with working at the Organic Garage... And joined a homechurch. My community existed within many different areas of my life, and I wasn't able to give myself and my time completely to one.. Instead I floated amongst a few different ones.. I think this is solely because I was commuting from Oakville to Toronto 6/7 times a week.
Before Spring crew at camp, life was getting pretty stressful... I had become really engaged in the Sanctuary...
(The Sanctuary is a church in Toronto that focuses on reaching out and creating a safe community for the homeless people in their area... I attended women's drop in, and dinner drop in, along with participating in their weekly outreach on Thursday nights until 3 am. This community attracts homosexuals, prostitutes, drunks, addicts, people with disabilities, low income/homeless people, rich Christians who have been convicted etc. ) Many of these types of people have not experienced real loving relationships in their lives, thus causes distrust in new friendships that they meet at the Sanctuary. When I decided to join Spring crew, I knew it would probably affect my relationships with these people (some would forget me, and some would llose trust in me, and some I would just have grown a part from because I wasn't being in constant communication with). It was a hard decision, but I ended up following this camp life for the summer.
When I got to camp, the spring was amazing.. We created a loving community where people came together, left all their lives back home, and served God by working at camp and getting it ready for the summer. I must say this was one of the best decisions of the summer. MY reasoning is a little funny though- I was surrounded by many conservative Christians. It was so hard at first, and even hard throughout the spring, but I am so thankful for those people. With one guy in particular, we got to dig into deep conversations about why we believe certain things, or live the type of lives that we do and how they differ from each others lives because of our views on the bible. This sounds all very general, and I'm probably going to keep it like that, but I have never been able to experience such loving debates and conversations that I had with a couple of these people. (I am a much more liberal Christian, and debating about issues or even sharing some of my ideas have usually gone poorly with conservatives, causing hurt in our relationships). I had never experienced authentic loving debates. and it was the best! (Along with that, with the help of BRuxy's video casts, I got to explain to them why I am a pacifist).
So crew was awesome, our community was great and loving. IT was nice to be a part of that, even for only 6 weeks.. I missed having the chance to live work eat hangout and love a group of people everyday not worrying about my other group of friends I needed to see later that evening.
Then the summer time rolled around, and it was fantastic. We had amazing speakers, I took a lot of my experiences and lessons learned during crew and brought them to LIT (for example the way I spoke about my faith, and how to handle when people were on a completely different page than me). I had the BEST small groups ever... I already kind of spoke about them, but the guys and girls were so beautiful and I just loved being a part of their LIT life changing experience. They all have a lot of potential to change the world, and I dont doubt that they will. But along with an amazing group of LIT's, came some struggle with the LIT staff. They are a grreat group of people, and I love them a lot! But I think it was mainly the fact that these were newer friends who did not know me well... And I needed encouragement and love and the feeling of being liked and wanted...
It was okay though... God had that under control, being an ESFP- my emotions were quite low, and I got the opportunity to become TIIIGHHHTT with my LIT's so it was pretty amazing. And by the end of the summer, the staff all became a pretty great loving family.

Coming home, I think that having no money reallllly hit me. (Camp doesnt really pay you). So- I stressed out... A LOT! I stressed about getting a 200 dollar cell phone bill, on top of a 300 dollar visa bill, with not much int he bank, I was scared... With that being said, Im stressing out about where Im going to live in the fall and with who, and when... Where should I find a job, Oakville or Toronto? It just kind of hit me.

I just got home from the attic tonight (night of worship at the meeting house) and this was read from Jeremiah " For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you,"

So cool.... I have been working this summer, growing sooo close with God, giving up paid work to serve at camp and to help let it run... Had the time of my life doing it, getting to know the BEST people in the world. I am surrendering my fall plans, school plans, money situation, living thoughts and everything to God, and hopefully I will just continue to follow his plan. The summer was amazing, and I am not going to let these stresses bring me down. I only hope to continue living my life completely for God... and I need to trust that he is going to provide.

P-D-A

2010-08-20T07:33:00.000-07:00

PUblic displays of affection DOES include posting photo's on facebook of you and your girlfriend/boyfriend/friend/random making out!

NOBODY wants to see those pictures... Seriously... I don't need you to prove to me that you're that serious that your going to take pictures during a makeoutsesh, and upload them for everyone to see..

SAVE IT FOR THE BEDROOM..

(little over dramatic? Just needed to vent)

*seriously though, no one wants to see that or even cares... Take those photos down, your making a fool fo yourselves.

But the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair

2010-08-15T19:36:00.000-07:00

Home for the week, I am living in camp mode so it's week 7. I'm kind of stuck in this idea of surrendering to God. I have almost come to this conclusion that if I sin, I can't worship God the next day. Sounds a little crazy? Yea- it is. I will never reach perfection, because Jesus was perfection, and I will continue to live in sin. But I don't get it, Hebrews 10 talks about how if we sin willfully, we will not have any sacrifice for these sins. But we all know what sin is and what it looks like, and we all continue to sin.. And then theres this scripture from galations:

Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality,
idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries,
dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I
warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not
inherit the kingdom of God.

Those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God..
Sure, some of those listed above seem far worste than others, but jealousy.. Fits of anger..drunkeness, envy, rivalries, divisions, etc... These are common. I struggle with some fo these things, and I know that others do too.

It's jsut crazy for me to think that this is written, yet we're all such wretched sinful men and women. Sure, praying to be holy, and to be renewed, and to have a baptized mind, eyes and hands... but I want to wake up and be holy just as it is written.. and to not sin... And to truly love others the way Ive been taught.. humble, true, honest lovve.

And the cry of my heart is to bring you praise from the inside out, Lord my soul crys out

2010-08-06T09:11:00.000-07:00

It’s the last day of LIT session 2 at Northwoods.. MY small group is great, and I love em all very much. I think because the group was smaller than session 1, we were able to get to know eachother a lot better.

Anyways, during our time, we hang out together and have designated small group time everyday. We encourage our guys to talk about how God has worked in their life, or how Gods currently working in their lives, and what they’re learning.

I love sitting down by the water to have alone time with God. So one day as I was sitting there, I had the worship song “So I’ll let my words be few” come to my mind.. And the opening scentence is “You are God in heaven, and here am I on earth” And I just pondered on that for a bit. Yea God is in heaven, but is so present here on earth as well.. And I think that because there isn’t a physical body that God lives in (I guess kind of like Jesus) but because we don’t see him physically everyday, it is easier for us to sin. It is easier for us to forget about God and his grace, and his beauty, majesty, power, and all the other character attributes that God has. When we die and face judgement, we are going to be full of soooooo much regret. Like- we are going to SEE this beauty and GRACE and see God, and be struck by his majesty.. We are goingt o regret our sins (if we don’t already) and regret that we didn’t worship God to our fullest every day of our lives. And this sucks!!!

So, although it is sooo extremely hard because we are faced with temptations and continue to sin everyday.. I am trying to live with the knowledge that God is present and is with me 24/7… Right now, God is with me, and with you. He watches us because he loves us and cares for us. We should really be doing nothing but praising him by our actions and thoughts and yea, everything.

So this has been what I have been learning about with God this summer.. It’s pretty brutal because now, if I sin in any way or another, I am more conscious of it and if I follow through on my sinful actions… I am fully conscious of what Im doing, and the fact that it goes against Gods will. This happened a couple fo days ago, and I have just been so down. It just sucks that I fell, and got up the next day and worshipped God. It sucked, how is that fair or right? It’s hard to worship God and say “I’m living my life for you, all for you Jesus” Yea, I want to do that… But dang is it ever hard. I can’t say I am living that way, because Im definitely not.

A lot of worship songs are great, but a lot of them are false for me. I prefer the ones about surrendering, and about wanting to give my heart to God. I mean, I want my full heart and life to be about you, but it isn’t because I am so full of sin.

There’s this song by Jon Foreman called baptize my mind. It’s a beautiful song, and the chorus goes like this-

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JnBtmDjxK4

“Both my hands are filled with guilt (be my absolution)
both my eyes are blind with filth (be my absolution)
heyy, baptize my mind, baptize my eyes, baptize my mind
for these seeds to give birth to life, first it must die”

I like the idea fo baptizing my mind and my eyes. It reminds me of surrendering myself and my guilt and my sins to God, and renewing my mind. I love the idea of God’s grace, and without that, life would suck. I hope to continue to remember God’s presence and be aware of my actions and how I want to glorify God to my fullest.

LIT

2010-07-26T21:08:00.001-07:00

I kind of forgot about blogging, but was reminded of it when a great new friend of mine started talking about his, and now I feel inspired to write again.

I spent my summer at camp Mini-yo-we. I am a small group leader for the LIT program. It is kind of crazy that I am sitting here, working this position. I would have never ever thought I could A) do it, or B) well... do it!

If we back up a couple of years to the good ol youth group days when I was young, vulnerable, seeking and confused: I was placed in a small group with a woman named Amanda Marlow. I would not even know where to begin or explain how this woman changged my life. I think it roots to her beautiful heart. Her heart is extremly big, she knows how to make peeople feel loved, and consistently tries to accomplish this for every one of her friends and or acquiantances.

Amanda loved me during some hard times. She trusted me and I trusted her. She challenged me, and I challenged her. We lived life together, sturggling and laughing, creating memories, and reminiscing abut the past. Amanda is probably the most influential person I have ever met. She has a passion for people, and her passion rubbed off on me. I experienced the type of love we are taught about in the new testament... The type of love God wants us to have with one another. Unconditional, everlasting, messy authentic true love. She inspired me to be the best that I could be, she helped me through my mistakes and always had the right words and things to say when I needed to be spoken to.

In short, she changed my life.

Amanda brought me to camp, she actually worked this position for 4 years. I don't think I will ever match up to the quality leader Amanda is, and thats ok... But it was her influence on my life that affected me and helped make this decision easy to be here as a small gorup leader for LIT's.

So, LIT works in 2 different sessions. We just officially started session 2, so my session 1 LIT's are all serving in their cabins this week.

I think one of the things I came to realize about why I am here, is not because I am going to change any of these teens lives. I came to realize I am here because I want to be a part of the change that some of them will choose to make. I want to be a part of this life change. I want to see them challenge themselvesand work on some of their weaknesses, learn from one another, and practise loving eachother.

I love the fact that I have already been so affected by some of the people in my small group. I was definately in the mindset of being peoples Amanda's, which is not necissarily a bad thing, but the probability of being an Amanda is extremly low... So I think I am more encouragged now to see change happen because of their decisions and actions. I am okay to be sitting on the sidelines, cheering them on!

I have a couple in particular I am going to talk about.

James is an amazing kid. I met his family coming up randomly on a car ride, and fell in love with them. I barely know them to this day, but got the best vibe in that house and am excited to get to know them better. But back to James, I remember watching his humble character serving all of us in little ways like volunteering to do jobs that no one wanted to do. I love meeting (Im going to say kids, only because I still consider myself one) kids like him. I love seeing how even at such an age as 15 or 16, these guys understand the way of Jesus and understand humility, and servanthood. So I became close with him pretty fast. One of my favourite memories on our canoe trip was watching a really early sunset with him, and having a great conversation about God and how amazing he is. We looked at his beauty and were jsut both in incredible awe of his creation. Along with that we jsut spent time getting to know eachother. I think I value the fact that I can be open with James, he has incredible wisdom and knows how to encourage. It was through our relationship that got me to this point of understanding why I am here. I get to know some of the best kids in the world. These are our generation who are rising up to take our place. They already have selfless character, and are capable of changing the world!

Another cool girl I met was Zeuner. Shes amazing... Definately someone who came to take in as much as possible, to learn about herself and her faith, and to challenge herself to change. She reminds me of me. She gets it too. She knows what serving means and she does it.. I also love how close we became in such a short time. Christina was very much like James, who was selfless and decided to put others ahead of herself. I loved watching the two of them.. They make incredible leaders, and I loved seeing them influence others whether they were aware of it or not.

I have the best LIT's, and I can't wait to continue to live life with them!

This is your life.. are you who you want to be

2009-09-22T16:49:00.000-07:00

I am currently attending George Brown College.. It has been a pretty crazy/fast past couple of weeks. I can't belive I am almost done week 3 already... Although it has felt like I just started yesterday.

I'm taking the Communty Worker program- it's really interesting.. And definately a lot more than what I imagined. I'm learning a lot about famous advocates and activists, who are heroes to many people because of what they stood up for.
My first project was on a man named Myles Horton, who in the 1930's created a school for uneducated people (at the time were coloured people, people of the mountains, etc.) and people who were in low social classes. Not only did they learn about basic schooling, but had classrooms for people to teach eachother about their conflicts and conflicts of the world, and how to overcome or change society. At this school attended Rosa Parks, and Martin Luther King Jr. I guess Myles sounds like an important person because of the two other names I mentioned, but before this project I had never even heard about him.
I think he is a pretty inspiring person.. All of these activist's I'm learning about are all truly inspiring. It is a pretty courageous thing to go against society- against the normal and to change it (or try to)... I don't think my ambition is to be a well known face of change in the world, but hopefully a noticed face of love in small or large communities that I am a part of.

There are a few flaws in my life that come and leave pretty often. In my program, we have a course called interpersonal communications. It seems like quite a silly class... In fact I drew a tree in the class.... As apart of the class's itinerary... It felt kind of funny with markers and paper, drawing a tree (which I LOVE drawing) in COLLEge.. The class is about all sorts of everyday things that makes having a course about it seem like a joke. But something did pop out to me today. After labelling our "roots" (Attitudes, beliefs, and values) we moved on to our self concept, and branches of our lives. Media self, spiritual self, and social self... When we came to our social self, our teacher explained that we have different social groups that we tend to act differently around.

This is an interesting concept to me.. I think that as a christ-follower, who you are should probabaly not change from group to group that you hang around with. Honesty, accepting, loving, real, trustworthy, humbleness, and forgiveness are some of the main values I have as a Christian. Although I hope to think I keep these values apart of who I am from group to group, there is still something about me that does change between groups.
I guess I have this perspective..

Christians (close friends, family)vs. Everyone else

My actions may change between the groups I hang around with... And maybe thats because my perspectives change... But maybe my perspectives were always what they are when I'm with "everyone else" than what they have been when I have been with my Christian friends. . .

I don't know... I know that I am probably happiest with my Christian friends, and actually sometimes totally out of my comfort zone with some of the other social groups I'm apart of... I guess I am still in the struggle of figuring out who I am and who I want to be..

I definately don't want to breeze through life with having two different people leading two different lifestyles... BEcause honestly, I do feel like I am doing this throughout my life right now.I want to be able to prove that tree branch wrong, and truthfully say I am the same person no matter which social group I am hanging out in.

- Don't close your eyes
This is your life, was it everything you dreamed that it would be

[Selah]

2009-03-29T20:34:00.000-07:00

The meeting house holds this worship night called the attic. It is something that I literally look forward to every month. (it happens the last sunday of the month). I guess I have always loved music, listening to it, and making it with instruments (although I am really not that great).Great Music to me creates an emotion inside of me that I don't feel any other way. So when we worship God through music, it can and has been a time where I have had the deepest or closest connections in my relationship with God.tonight was alright. There are two types of GReat songs for me:1) A song that I love because of the words that make it up2) A song I love becuase of the sound, chords used, transitions, interludes, instrumentals, etc.
although some may dissagree, I didn't hear much of both tonight. Thats ok.

The beauty of music for me is the interpretation of the song you listen to.It can mean one thing to one person, but mean something very different to someone else.
Coldplay has been a band who sing songs that are so powerful to me. They have lyrics that are so raw and real, that help me not only relate to them, but also teach about pain and brokeness and power to overcome it. And then- we get to experience the thoughts and feelings one can recieve when listening to instrumental songs on an album.BEAUTIFUL- those songs can have no words in them, but can mean again, so much..

I love music!

Unfortunately?

2009-03-23T19:33:00.000-07:00

This secret from postsecret.blogspot.com made me burst into tears.
A father who has a daughter with autism.

I'm so sorry that the little girl has a father who can not support her with unconditional love.

And thats where the problem lays. We put a seperation between normal and different. A little girl with autism is just as human as one without the dissability.

If we looked past the differences in people/things in life, and substituted those feelings of awkwardness, discomfort, pain and hurt with love, than would we not have a more fair world.. And then those with dissabilities wouldn't be classified as different, but as human with needs different from yours just as my needs are different from yours, and so on.

I know I have a very biased opinion on this subject because I haven't had to live with someone with autism, or cerebal pulzy, and I don't have to raise a child with the dissability.
But I do know people in my life who example this type of love that I speak of, no matter who it is- loving people is equal no matter what a person looks like or acts like.

We can choose to look at the differences in people and pity them, or choose to love them.

God by the lake

2009-03-18T08:16:00.000-07:00

So my life has left me really confused.. I spoke to 3 of my close friends about this.
Im not sure where I fit in in so many areas... Maybe I'm thinking too hard, or maybe I'm really just lost.
I feel like I'm not doing much with my life.. And I know I'm only 18, but I want to be able to do so much more. I felt for a long time that serving at the underground as a jr high leader wasn't what I should be doing... Not only because I didn't feel connected with my grade 6 girls, but because there has been sooo much drama with that area of service. I also know I didn't ever give serving there my all.
So I had been working on that.. I put my all into it again.. And things have been getting better. I find it a little difficult to work with that age group.. It's like they don't want to be around you, but then they do think your so cool, and they want to listen to what you have to say, but they're too shy or scared to open up... But they have tough things going on in their lives!
We're doing an interesting series on sex drugs and alcohol and cutting and "all that fun stuff" and it's cool to see what these girls think... Once in a blue moon I get to hear their thoughts, depending on if they were listening that night.

Another area where I feel lost in, is sadly with some friendships. I kind of hate talking about this, or thinking about it... I know I have great amazing friends. I know that they are great aMAZING people.. But out of the friends I have, they all have their own groups of friends. And unfortunately I don't belong to any of those groups. Thats ok- but it's a human feeling for me to see the groups, acknowledge that they exist, and then feel sorry for myself. Which belive me I am also working on. Its beautiful to see some of the different friends that I have, and to see the great friendships that surround them to keep them going, to rely on, and to be loved by. I know the people and how they have changed for the better- because of the friendships that surround them. I will choose to be thankful for the friendships that surround my life, and hopefully not pity myself for not having some of the closer ones that I would like.

Not to make this blog sound upsetting and add to it, ahaha because it isn't one of those blogs. But being honest- I have felt disconnected from God for a good long time. I am a busy person, and God was forgotten a lot of the time in my life. Maybe thats why I have felt so LOST!
that would make sense... But yea I guess since there had been a ton of chnage in my life starting this past september, and still going on, I had trouble figuring out ways to deal with the change (in all areas of my life, for the good and the bad) I know my relationship with God is a good one, and it wasn't like I just forgot about him and didn't bother to achknowledge his existence in my life... But I think it was more that I thrived for a human relationship to fulfill the needs in my life. I wanted friends to help out with the struggle that I was going through.

I often tell my small gorup girls that "the best firend you could ever have is God".. and that as humans we want to go to our best friends and trust them with secrets and issues and problems.. And as great as it is to talk about things with friends, the best person to help you out will always only be God.
We actually had a cool discussion about that in small group one night.

Theres been a lot going on at home for the past couple of months aswell.. It is a hard place to come home to when a lot of other areas of your life are confusing and crazy.. And coming home is probabaly the worste of it all.

SO - one night a couple of days ago, I was left empty handed. I had a friend who (not by fault at all, more so because I take things too personally) made me realize what I had believing was a lie.. And I was shown the truth... The lie I was beliving was far better than the truth I was bling to see. It hurt a lot.. That night I had remembered how refreshing it felt to go and sit by the lake. So I made a journey at 12:30 am to a spot by the lake... It wasn't my secret spot (at 12:30 am it would have been too scary) but it was a different one.

I spoke to God again.. Not my everyday type of speak to him.. But I went deep within myself to figure out some of the feelings and thoughts that were going on.. I spoke about my sense of feeling lost and I just poured it all out. I have not been so raw as I was that night in a long time with anyone.
After many tears, and a few scary noises... I walked back to the car.. Almost waiting for something to happen.. I'm sure you know what thats like. "God, just do something!" So I started to drive away, but constantly checking the rear view mirror to see the spot I was standing... But nothing had happened.

I had found a few of my old cds in my house, and brought some of them in the car. SO in the radio was one of my blink 182 cds, and playing I forget which song it was. But the lyrics had read something like "should I go back" repeating itself.
I know your probabaly thinking SOOO LAME!
But I turned back.. I turned back and got out of the car to realize I didn't listen.
I talked and talked and talked and cried and layed myself on the table, but I didn't listen. I walked out to where I was sitting and closed my eyes. I felt God's love.. I had been so hurt and upset about so much and all I needed to feel was loved.
Here comes some more cheesy lines, but I got the best love of all. And I forgot how important it was to recieve, feel and give back.

My bad day ended great.
Since then I have been re-visiting my spot by the lake. not because I only experience God by the lake, but I really do feel so peaceful there. There is no other sound going on, and no other things moving around except for the water coming and going on shore.

Thank you for putting me back together!

silly mom

2009-03-01T16:13:00.000-08:00

OHHH the joys of being sick...
For the past week I have had a crazy cold.. I don't get sick often, so I guess I forgot about how it feels to be sick! I am constantly waking up in the middle of the night with a runnnnny nose that is all clogged (sorry to be detailed) eyes that are soo itchy that my face is peeling around them, and a horrible cough. Did I forget to mention that I have an ear infection in both of my ears... And am on some crazy medication for it because I get ear infections often.. And I never knew you had to finish your medication even if the infection was gone.. So I am pretty immune to a lot of different meds for my ears, and now I have like 50 trillion meds to take 4 times a day and I have to FINISH them.

So this isn't supposed to turn into a whine fest for being sick... but I guess thats what its looking like. No- instead it's supposed to be an ode to mothers.

I LOVE my mom.. She means a ton to me.. I guess she has jsut been so evidently loving while I've been feeeling like crap. She constantly cares for me, and asks if I need anything, and gives to me without asking if I needed, and is just soo loving.

Last night I was having a bad case of the chills.. I guess that happens when you have a fever.. Well I had a fever last night.

My FATHER has been going on 2 week layoffs at a time at his job for ford. So we have been doing major cut backs in the house. One of the major cut backs my dad did was to turn down the water temperature for baths, or in the sinks and showers.. Im not quite sure how he thinks that saves money, unless hydro companies charge less if you use cool water instead of warm? Or he thought people would have less time in the showers with cooler water... I don't know.

So yesterday with my fever and chills, I decided to have a bath,... not really knowing that the heat was off.. While I was sitting there, I noticed and called for my mom. She told me the situation, and sooner or later she started bringing pots of hot water up to the tub.. HAHA- So there I was sitting in the bath with a towel over myself, looking like a sick pale lifeless body, and here is my mom boiling hot water running up and down the stairs to keep refilling the tub.

I ended up having a nice hot bath and fixed the case of chills I was having... And layed there loving my mom who would really do anything for me.

I love moms!

Every little thing is gonna be alright

2009-02-24T19:04:00.001-08:00

Wow- It has been 8 days since I wrote in this blog..I will never be a devoted blog writer. I literally LIterally thought it was yesterday that I posted my last one. I had to go back to it to see if I had mentioned if I got my new job...

Well there you have it. I got a new job. I work for a 10$ an hour job at a typical hippy store called the Organic Garage. It's really sweet actually. I am a cashier, WOOT!! I am not going to lie though, I'm very excited. Its a store full of organic foods, fair trade items, and really really cool people. It's actually the EXACt opposite personalities than of those at Civello. If anyone knew about the personalities I dealt with at Civello, than you would understand that being the opposite means that these people are Incredible.

Haha, I just called all the employees at the Organic Garage incredible. They are very "love the earth, smoke the weed, smile, and singing Don't worry, about a thing, because every little thing, is gonna be alright" type of people. Who wouldn't love them?

So here is the first new thing happening in my life. It's funny because last year at this time I had a bunch of new changes happening. I started a new school, and 2 new jobs. I remember that I decided to cut all my hair off (and by all my hair off I mean like only to my shoulders) because I was starting something new. I am soo excited to start new things in my life. Not nervous like I was last year. I am excited to see what the Organic Garage will be to me. Maybe I will decide to start trying new foods, and choose to eat healthier, and buy different products that are either fair trade, or better for me, or cheaper, or more economic. I am thrilled to start school in September. WOW- It has been 8 days...

I decided to choose the Community Worker program at George Brown. haha, looking at my last post I seemed so confused. I guess with all the talk and thought about it, it seemed so easy to decide just the other day and accept the offer. I can't wait to see what that brings to me.. A new place to live in Toronto? A new community of people to be around more often and to learn from? New volunteering, possibly ANother new job in Toronto?

Im shaking in excitement and a bit in nervousness. . .

I'll try to stay posted with any new ideas, for "the new life" I'll be starting in September.

I just got Lost

2009-02-16T18:58:00.000-08:00

I am really excited to start blogging again, it is something that is so refreshing for me to just write out my thoughts. There have been quite a whirlwind of emotions and events going on in my life right now. I am currently asking myself a question that I believe everyone has asked themselves before:
"What am I doing with my life?"

I know I'm kind of a year late... But my applications to schools have just been sent out for the oncoming semester starting in September.

This past year I was enrolled in an apprenticeship for hairstyling. It was quite an experience, but somewhere along the way I came to the realization that it was not what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. So last week has been my first week off and unemployed since my job at Civello.
Whenever someone would ask me why I quit, my quick reply would be that there were too many reasons. But most importantly was because I didn't want to do it anymore. I don't want to do hair for the rest of my life. As important that is, I have a hard time convincing myself that this past year wasn't a waste. I didn't finish my apprenticeship, what I once loved to do and wanted to do has changed. I pushed the reset button on my life, and now I'm sitting at home... Looking for a new job!! Where do I go from here?

What has been done has been done. I knew the consequences I was going to face when I decided to hand in my resignation, and now I'm dealing with them.
At least I had one set plan for the future of quitting and where my life was leading to... (A surprise for the unorganized "in the moment" type of person I am)
So school in September is where I want to be.

I applied for the following courses
Social Service worker
Community service worker
Community justice worker
Early Childhood Education
Art fundamentals

I have no idea which one I want to do.

I don't know how people do it. I don't know how people just choose a course, and do it for 4 years, graduate, and then do what?
In High school, I made it pretty clear to people that I thought it was a waste of money for someone to pay thousands of dollars to go to school and learn in a field of work that they aren't even sure if they want to make a living out of... Let alone take general courses in university to figure out what they want to do... I always just saw that as a HUGE waste of money. I guess it isn't, when you graduate with a degree, you can do a lot a lot of things... But at the time those thoughts went through my mind.. Probably more so for the reason that I didn't know what I wanted to do, and couldn't afford to waste money on something I didn't enjoy doing.

I am afraid of wasting another year or so on something that I'm not even completely sure I want to do. I have a hard time staying fully committed to things- which I'm sure it happens to everyone.But honestly, I don't ever finish books. I read half of them, lovve them, and put them down. I did well in school, but at mid-term, lost interest and found a new interest to keep my mind going. I am a beginner in many instruments, but don't excel or take the time to practise to become better at one. I like being able to do everything, and then get upset with the outcome of something being only mediocre.

I need to learn to stay committed to things in my life. This takes me back to my job at Civello. Was it something I gave up because I lost interest in it, and now have found a new interest that I want to do?
I know I don't regret doing what I did. But I guess I have a couple of "do-overs" I would have liked to change.

So I guess right now I need to pick what I want to do for the next 2-4 yrs of my life. I can't decide if it is going to be something for mere enjoyment (art) or something that I currently enjoy doing (community service worker) or something that I think I would enjoy doing in the future (ECE).... I don't know the answers to my questions. I wish I could just do them all...

For the time being, I think I'm going to pick up one of the 5 books I have started to read in the past few months and finish it. Here's step one to being consistent.